Big Couple Paul & Kay and Little Brother Malachi

Meet Big Couple Paul & Kay and Little Brother Malachi who have been matched for almost 2 years now!

Big Couple Paul & Kay and Little Brother Malachi first met in July 2023 through our Community-Based mentoring program and have been meeting up for good times and good food ever since.

The Spark

Not every match has a fairytale-perfect beginning. Sometimes, the best relationships need some commitment and work before they start to blossom. For Paul, Kay, and Malachi, this was the case.

After Malachi’s dad passed away, his mom Ashley started researching Big Brothers Big Sisters after hearing about it from a presentation at work and having success with her older son. Malachi who is now going in second grade, tends to be quiet and, especially after he lost his dad, did not want to go to school anymore.

“Malachi’s very shy. I was just looking for someone that he can have a connection with—they don’t like to open up with me all the time—and know he’s not alone. You don’t have your dad, but there’s tons of people who love you,” said Ashley.

Meanwhile, Paul was at an Optimist Club meeting when he read a flyer handed out by another member, Tammy Smith, who is Big Brothers Big Sisters’ Director of Community Development for  Kosciusko County. The flyer featured Malachi’s story: the loss of his father and his need for another supportive adult.

“The young kid just caught my eye with losing his dad, and I remember how I felt. And you’re never gonna fill the void. Still to this day, in my late 50s, I look in the crowd to see if I can find my dad,” started Paul. “But, let others help with the walk, and the more you do that, the better off you’ll be as a person, and the more things you’ll learn.” Especially since they both lost their fathers at a young age—Malachi was 6 and Paul was 12—this sparked his interest in joining the program.

Desiring to give back to someone not unlike himself, he went home and discussed the idea with his wife Kay. She had already been a part of the Big Brothers Big Sisters program before, staying matched until her Little Sister graduated from the program.

Paul and Kay finally decided to try out being a Big Couple, a decision that would start change in their lives and Malachi’s.

A Slow Start

4 months later when they were officially matched, Ashley was skeptical about whether this match would be successful. Since Malachi wouldn’t talk, Ashley joined their match outings, getting to know them along the way, to help make Malachi more comfortable. Paul, Kay, and Ashley all felt nervous about whether Malachi would open up.

“I was really excited for him to have that. I was kind of nervous, too, because I know how he is,” said Ashley. “I also wanted somebody who understood and had patience with him and didn’t take it personally if he didn’t say anything while we were out or if he just sat there kind of quiet. It takes time to get to know him.”

And it did take time. For several months, Paul & Kay and Ashley did what they could to make Malachi more comfortable with them. This meant including Ashley or Malachi’s older brother on their outings. When he did talk, it was often very quiet. But eventually, something began to change.

“He just started talking more and we both noticed it at the same time. Instead of me having to quiz him in the vehicle when we’re driving someplace, he just got in, and he just started talking and we didn’t have to ask him any questions. It just was a natural thing for him,” said Paul.

Ashley noticed this change, too. A few months in, Malachi started asking his mom when Paul & Kay would come to pick him up, showing that their months of working with Malachi to get him comfortable had paid off.

“They have gone above and beyond to accommodate and breakthrough, to get him to this point of ‘When are you guys coming to get me again? I’m waiting,’” said Ashley.

“I think the fact that he’s asking his mom now when we’re coming tells you that he’s anticipating and that he’s looking forward to it. So, I would say that’s a small indication of something,” said Kay.

“The other thing I noticed: we went to a basketball game up in Goshen—and he always walked behind me—and now he’s walking next to me,” said Paul.

Although they are still in the midst of progress, it is progress nonetheless. This allows for the three to enjoy a bunch of activities together.

A Little Friendly Competition

Paul & Kay and Malachi have had some good times together: biking, painting pottery, watching basketball games, baking cookies, and going to the zoo. And they’ve even pulled weeds together! Although, that didn’t quite go as planned, with Malachi not liking it one bit.

“Now in his bio thing, he said he likes to pull weeds. We found out that was not a true statement. We tested that,” said Paul.

“We did mention it once, and he said something about a tool. And so, we finally figured out that whatever weeds he was pulling, he had some special kind of tool to use for it,” said Kay.

As Malachi opens up, Paul & Kay comment that they have seen him show his competitive side during their Uno games.

“With him coming out of his shell a little bit, he’s learning to trash talk while he plays Uno against us,” shared Paul.

Paul plans to test this competitiveness with a game of basketball next. But Paul & Kay also want to continue inviting Malachi’s family over for summer pool parties.

Serious for Sushi

If you asked Malachi what his favorite thing is—out of all the things he’s done with Paul & Kay—he is passionate about getting sushi! Paul and Kay learned this very quickly. The trio will often compromise doing activities with a trip to Martin’s for sushi.

“I don’t think Paul and Kay even like sushi,” said Ashley.

When asked about what they’ve learned from their match, Paul joked, “Well, we did try sushi.”

Learning a Couple New Things

But Paul and Kay are also relearning what it is like being with kids. Their own son is almost 30, and although they remember the big things like trips and birthday parties, they’d forgotten the day-to-day aspects of being with a kid. Like when Malachi asked to go to a Chinese restaurant, just to order chicken fingers.

“We’ll remember a trip to Niagara Falls, but we’re not remembering the anticipation, the walking side-by-side versus behind. Just the crazy little things a kid will say that just don’t make sense,” said Paul. “Sometimes it comes out of the blue, but it makes sense to him. And the little things to make them smile and laugh. And, you know, the trash-talking at Uno.”

“Part of it is we feel a little bit like we’re taken back in time to when our son was that age,” shared Kay. “You know, we always had fun with our son, and it’s a good reminder.”

Paul agrees but adds that it is slightly different since they are not his parents. Now, instead of focusing on rules and big lessons, the couple teaches the little things like saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and other manners that will help him get through life.

“As new parents, you’re all about rules and setting guidelines and helping them grow. And at our age, now we’re not so interested in the rules,” stated Paul. “We don’t have any of that responsibility, so it goes over a lot easier, and we just focus on the main things of life for a 7-year-old.”

And now, Paul feels more aware of children who pass through the bank he works at, more able to get down to their level and say hello to them. Kay enjoys Malachi’s humor and the little zingers he comes up with.

“Even though your dad’s not here, I know what it’s like. I am not trying to replace him. Nobody will ever replace him, but there will be people that come along—for me it was my Sunday school teacher—that will try to help you,” said Paul who hopes that Malachi’s support group of role models only continues to grow.

A Parent’s View of the Program

Malachi isn’t the only one whose support circle has grown. Ashley also feels that Paul & Kay have become great supporters of her own endeavors, always willing to check up on her after a nursing school test or if she’s not feeling well.

“It’s nice to know how many people are in my corner. Also, I’m always doing something for my children and making sure that they have everything they need and want and that they get where they’ve got to go,” started Ashley.

“But to have somebody that still calls and texts and is like, ‘Hey, are you okay? Malachi said you weren’t feeling well or you had a test the other day. How did it go?’ It’s just nice to have that.”

Ashley feels that rather than just forming a bond with Malachi, Paul & Kay have been very attentive to her and have formed a relationship with her family. Another instance that proved Paul & Kay’s support came when Ashley’s grandpa was in hospice and then passed away. While Ashley attended the funeral, Paul & Kay took both Malachi and his older brother on an outing since they didn’t quite understand what was happening at the time, giving her a break from her kids to grieve.

“I probably could tell them thank you a million times for everything, and now I can’t imagine our life without them in it,” said Ashley.

Be Big!

To be a mentor, you don’t need a lot of money or to have a trip lined up for every outing. Really, all it takes is showing up for a child, perhaps through Uno games and sushi trips. YOU can be an mentor, too, through simple means.

“This program has given my kids something to look forward to when they didn’t have that,” said Ashley. “But even a simple ‘Oh, you’re going to lunch’ is like a little piece of happiness that you guys have caused.”

Will you take the challenge of becoming an mentor?

Wanting to make a difference? Learn more about volunteering with Big Brothers Big Sisters here. Wanting to take the next step? Start the application process here.